I've had many friends and family try to console me with kind words since yesterday's debacle. And I hear what they're saying, and I greatly appreciate them, really I do. And in many respects I know they're right. But for me, it was a failure. You can't go through what I've gone through over the last 4 months, have that happen, and not feel like you failed. No matter what I've accomplished since I started all of this back in 2007. I feel no better today than I did yesterday. My motivation right now is at an all-time low. After the race, I wondered if I wanted to ever try this again. Later in the day, I thought I'd decided that I did. That I wouldn't dare go out like that. Today, I'm again not so sure. Part of my brain tells me that I can train smarter, and harder, and longer, and NEVER let this happen again. Trials of Miles, Miles of Trials, right? But at what cost? Not just to me, but to my family? How much is too much? The last thing my wife wants to hear is that I didn't put enough into it, and next time, I plan to be fanatical in my training. She already think I'm fanatical about it! Does an average of 40-some miles a week, for 16 weeks, constitute a fanatic? Not in comparison to a lot of marathon runners. But others have no bearing on me. They make no difference to my situation. So, what do I do from here? I honestly don't know.
And I just can't get over how angry I am. I can't think of anything else right now, and that's really bad b/c I have my exam a week from today. But right now, I just don't give a ****!
I just really hate myself right now.
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ReplyDeleteTry not to take it so badly. The cramps were out of your control. I also ran my first this past weekend, and although my situation didn't end up quite as badly, I also cramped up which put a serious damper on the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI know the opinion of others doesn't matter much to you right now, but you can't be afraid to try because you might fail. You did your best. Pick it up and get back at it.
Your latest post hits a nerve with me, and bear with me while I explain why.......I understand your anger and incomprehension at this marathon attempt. I do.
ReplyDeleteI ran my third marathon Sunday in Eugene, and was going for a comparatively paltry 3:45, having done a 4:10 in my first ever go at the distance, then PR'ing with a 3:53 last year. This year, I decided it should be 3:45.
Well......things happened. Bottom line, I failed. I started out too aggressively, and then my hamstring sprung on me at mile eight. I finished sub-four, but well past my 3:45 goal. The fault is partly mine, partly just hard luck. Whatever.
Man, one thing about this marathon thing is the uncertainty of it. Let's face it, that's a huge part of the allure. We train for months on end for a goal, be it a certain time or just to finish, and then we throw ourselves into the abyss, hoping for the best, but never knowing.
If training for it all were an assurance of success, would it be as special?
I will be back, as you shall be. The fight isn't over, and you know this as well as I do.
Thanks, both of you, for the kind words. I'm past it. I really think I am. I'll be back. Soon. Fit. Ready.
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